Paramedics received what no doubt must have been their strangest call ever.
It was a mother in a horrific state of shock after her son had chopped off his penis using an electric carving knife. There is a sound reason behind Jonas Etcher’s decision to dismember himself. He was masturbating constantly and he knew the only way he would get into the Kingdom of Heaven would be to stop his masturbation habit. And in order to stop the habit, he needed to rid himself of his own member.
“He’s really been struggling with masturbation,” Ellen Etcher told WRDW. “He knows it’s against Jesus, but has been self-pleasuring up to a dozen times a day. He can’t seem to find a girl to get his sex urges out on… we’ve tried Match.com, Craigslist.”
Normally reattachment would have been attempted by doctors. But there was only one problem. Jonas decided to give the neighbor dog an afternoon snack. His freshly dismembered penis.
“I am proud of him from trying to lead a life of purity, but now he’s going to have to go on disability as he won’t be able to work at Applebee’s while he recovers.”
Thankfully Jonas will make a full recovery. But unfortunately he will need a urine bag and catheter from now on. Nevertheless, Jonas did solve his problem, albeit in extreme manner, and seems to be in high spirits as he feels he has now greatly increased his chances for passing through the pearly gates of heaven.
